Guilty Pleasures
by Jaden Heiko
Summary: The story of Shizuru after Sakyo dies. She goes through a cycle of depression and thinks she has found love again. Or has she? For Shizuru, love always seems to end in tragedy...
1. Sleepless Nights

Shizuru stared up at the ceiling above her bed. She turned and looked at her clock. 4 am. _I wish I could sleep, _she thought. And then she turned and stared at the wall and let the memories come over her.

The rocks tumbling down and Sakyo staring lovingly across the distance into her eyes. Running for the exit, trying to go back to him, but being dragged on by Koenma.

_I miss him so much, _she thinks. And then she curls into a ball as she starts to cry. _Why did you do that Sakyo? Why? You could have lived and stayed with me…we could have been together. I know you weren't perfect, but I'm not either. I would have forgiven you anything. Just to be able to love you…_

Shizuru cried until the sun came up and then she showered and prepared for the day.

"Hey sis, you look like hell," Kuwabara said upon seeing her. "Did you get hit with the ugly stick this morning or something?"

Shizuru fought the urge to cry and turned and angrily looked at Kuwabara instead. "Well at least I didn't get hit by the whole damn ugly tree, Kazuma."

"Hey that's not fair, everyone knows I'm sexy," protested Kuwabara.

"Right, as sexy as a naked mole rat," Shizuru said.

Kuwabara grumbled but moved out the door and headed to school.

Shizuru looked after him and sighed. _I should talk to someone. But Kuwabara hated Sakyo. Everyone did. Only Koenma knows anything and even he doesn't know how much I love him. Even when he's gone…_

She shook her head and put down her coffee. _Time to get to work._


	2. The Coffee Shop

She grabbed her coat and walked to work, failing to notice the beautiful day. Ever since Sakyo had died everything seemed dim to her. Her glazed eyes failed to notice the admiring looks guys cast her as she walked by.

She finally reached work and stepped into the coffee shop. "Hi Shizuru," her boss said. "We're really busy today and the other girl called in, so you have to cover for her."

_Great, I have to do the work of two people and get paid for one. _

Shizuru sighed, put on an apron, and started moving from table to table. The tips were lousy and she sighed again at the injustice. _I come here everyday and work hard and nothing comes of it. What's the point? I should just go kill myself and get it over with._

Shizuru stopped for a second. _If I died…we could be together, right? I could ask Koenma after I die; he's in charge of placing people, right? I haven't led a completely bad life; they should let me make a request. And I don't really have a purpose here. I just want to be with him…forever. _

"Shizuru," shouted her boss. "Stop daydreaming, you have work to do."

Shizuru snapped out of it and started wiping tables. _No, I can't do that. I can't just give up like that. But I miss him so much and just the possibility of being with him…_

Shizuru stared into space again, the possibilities racing through her mind.

"That's it, Shizuru, you useless girl, you're fired," shouted her boss. "Now get out, I hope I never see you again!"

Stung, Shizuru looked up. "But..." she started to say and her boss looked angrily at her. "I said get out, you're fired."

Shizuru looked down, defeated. She took off her apron and placed it on the counter, then turned and left. _Great job Shizuru, what are you going to do now? You need a job. _


	3. The Park

She walked slowly into the park and sat on a bench. _What am I going to do? What am I going to tell everyone? _She started crying and suddenly a voice said, "Are you ok?" And Shizuru looked up to see a handsome man looking concernedly down at her.

"I'm fine," Shizuru said through her tears. "Well you don't look fine," the man said, "my name is Kurai. And I don't like see beautiful women cry…"

He sat on the bench next to her and took her hand. "I hope you don't mind the familiarity, but I'd like to get to know you. You seem like somebody worth talking to."

And Shizuru talked to him. She left out all of the weird stuff, like the Dark Tournament, but she told him about how she fell in love with a businessman who wasn't exactly a good guy. And about how he had committed suicide in front of her. And she cried as she told the story and was comforted by the strange man.

"That's really sad," Kurai said. "I'm sorry that you had to go through that, I hope that I can make you feel better."

"Talking about it made it feel somewhat better," smiled Shizuru through her tears.

"Would you like to go to a movie or something?" asked Kurai.

"I guess so," Shizuru said.


	4. The Date

So they went to a movie and Kurai hugged her and held her hand and made her feel like somebody cared. And then he took her back to his apartment and they talked for hours, staying up all night. Then they walked together in the park and Shizuru looked at him and felt closer than she ever had before to anyone…except her beloved Sakyo.

They parted and planned to spend the next day together as well. Shizuru met him at the planned time and they sat and talked again and Kurai was more flirtatious than before. Shizuru was flattered by the attention of a man she had come to respect and care for very quickly.

So when he leaned forward and kissed her she kissed him back with all of her love. And they made love for hours and Shizuru was happier than she had been since Sakyo had died. _Am I falling in love again? I still love Sakyo, but I think I could love this man if given the chance._

They parted around 4am, Shizuru remembering how it had been only days ago. _I stayed up thinking about Sakyo all night and now I'm so happy…maybe I can move on..._

She walked home full of the ecstasy of new love, smiling the whole way.


	5. The Call

"Hi, Shizuru? This is Kurai, I need to talk to you about something. So call me back soon, ok?"

Shizuru listened to the message, puzzled. The message had been left like 10 or 15 minutes after she left his apartment. It took her a good half hour to walk home. _I wonder what's so important he couldn't wait? _

She lifted up the phone and called him. "Hi this is Kurai," said Kurai as he answered his phone. "Hi, I got your message," said Shizuru.

"Ok good," Kurai said. "I just wanted to tell you I can't see you tomorrow like I planned. My girlfriend is getting back tomorrow and wants to see me."

"What!" said Shizuru. "Girlfriend?"

"Uh, yeah, my girlfriend. She lives here with me, she was out of town this last week, on vacation," said Kurai.

"I love you, Shizuru, but I love her too, I don't think I could choose between the two of you," Kurai confessed. "I have a lot to think about, please don't be angry."

Shizuru was speechless. She loved Kurai, but he hadn't told her something important. _But he says he loves me…but he loves her too? What am I supposed to do? I can't break them up that would be horrible._

"Look I'll call you later, Shizuru," Kurai said. "I have to talk to her. She's really important to me and we've been together fora long time. I really don't want to be hasty about this."

"Ok," Shizuru said her thoughts in turmoil. "Bye."

She hung up the phone and sagged against the wall. _What am I going to do? Nobody knows about him, so I can't talk to anyone. I mean we just met but we love each other. But he has a girlfriend. But I love him… What am I supposed to do? It's his decision but I don't want him to have to make it. I love him, but I don't want to ruin his relationship. I want to be with him, but I want him to wantto be with me._

_I don't know what to do._

And Shizuru sat down on the floor and cried into her arms.


	6. Waiting

He called again the next day. "I told my girlfriend what happened, she's really angry at both of us right now, but I think things will be ok, I still have a lot of thinking to do."

She talked to Kurai a few times that week, but he didn't really tell her any more of what was going on. He mentioned that he'd broken up with his girlfriend, but said he was still living with her. He didn't invite her over or tell her anything other than that.

Shizuru waited a couple more days and didn't learn anything new. She was hoping that since they had broken up that meant Kurai had chosen her. She felt guilty about it, but hopeful all the same, because she loved Kurai and wanted to be with him.

Finally, Kurai called and they talked for over an hour. Kurai told her that he got the feeling she was hoping for something that would never be and said that he didn't think they would ever work out together. He wanted to continue to be her friend, but they could never be together again. It just wasn't possible.

Shizuru hung up the phone feeling numb. She crumpled to the floor and started shaking at what Kurai had told her.

The next day Kurai called again. "Yeah this whole thing has gotten out of hand, a bunch of my friends found out about it and they really aren't saying nice things about you, so maybe you shouldn't come around for a while."

"Ok…" Shizuru said. And hung up the phone and started crying again.


	7. Thoughts

She walked through the park and thought about everything that was going on. _I didn't know he had a girlfriend, why are they blaming everything on me? How was I supposed to know, I just met him. I love him and he says he doesn't think we can be together, but he still wants to be friends. Maybe someday…?_

Shizuru walked by the bench where they had first met and stared at it. _I wish he were here too so I could see him and know what he really feels. Maybe he does want to be with me. Maybe he just wants to take it slow, instead of rushing things again._

Comforted by her thoughts she turned and headed home, hoping that she was right.

She woke up the next morning feeling a lot better and having great hopes for the day.

Even Kazuma couldn't faze her with his normal idiocy. She hummed while drinking her coffee and felt like spinning in circles.

Kazuma was confused and gave her a funny look before leaving for school.

_I should start looking for another job. Something where I can work near Kurai or maybe just work the same hours so we can spend time together. _

She looked through job ads for the rest of the morning and marked the ones that looked promising.


	8. Betrayal

That evening Kurai called her. "Hi, Shizuru, I wanted to be the first one to tell you. My girlfriend and I got back together," he said happily. "I love her so much and I just couldn't be without her, I still care about you as a friend though. I really want us to still be friends but my girlfriend is kind of nervous about it, so you can't come to the apartment or anything. But we can still meet for a movie or something, ok?"

Shizuru felt the phone slide from her nerveless fingers and saw it hit the floor and shatter into a million pieces, just like her heart... She turned and walked zombie-like from the house, thoughts racing through her head. _He said that he had to think about things, but he broke up with her. If he was just going to go back to her, what was the point? He didn't even try to get to know me better when he was thinking about things. He didn't even see me. Or hug me, or hold me when I cried. _

_He doesn't care._

_And I'm alone. He left me, but in a much more painful way than Sakyo. Sakyo didn't choose somebody else, he died. _

_And I want to die too._

_I opened my heart to Kurai and he betrayed my trust. Whenever I try to love someone it always ends horribly. Death and betrayal, can it get any worse?_

Shizuru turned and ran blindly for the park where she had gone that day to mourn Sakyo. She saw the paths she had walked with Kurai and the memories beat at her. _Am I destined to find love only to be torn apart by the pain? Why? I loved them both and one left me through death and the other left me for another. _

Shizuru looked up and saw the lights of the docks ahead. She crumpled to the ground, filled with thoughts of death and despair. _Why did they leave me alone? Am I so worthless that I'm not worth loving? Why must I feel this unending pain? All I wanted was somebody to love and cherish. _

She walked toward the docks, staring down at the crashing water. _The water is calling to me…. _She slowly moved towards it, wading out into the water and starting to swim further into the sea. She swam until her arms were tired and she couldn't see land anymore. She turned and looked back, tears in her eyes.

_I just wanted somebody to love me. Was that so much to ask?_

And she let her body slide underneath the water, giving in to the thrashing waves and sliding beneath the sea.


End file.
